Noticing vs. Comparing

When you have more than one kid, it's really easy to notice differences in their development and personality. For example,

• Jane's teeth came one at a time, but Steven cut 5 teeth in one day. 
• Steven can take about 10 steps with his walker at 10 months, but Jane was cruising down the halls at 7 months. 
• Jane can be shy when she meets new people, but Steven loves to smile at everyone. 
• Steven will eat anything, but Jane mostly likes candy. 
• Jane has green eyes and Steven has blue eyes. 

These are differences, but that's it. There is no judgment or comparison attached to them. I never think, "Steven is a better eater, therefore I love him more." or "Jane walked earlier, therefore she is smarter." 

Jane loves playing this game with words or pictures too. She will say, "Mom, see the same and see the difference? They both have blue shoes but he has glasses and he doesn't have glasses." or "See the difference? Park. Parking lot." 

That's the difference. PERIOD. There is no "therefore a park is better than a parking lot" or "therefore the person with glasses is better because glasses are cool." 

Why is it so hard for me to do the same when I notice difference between myself and others? 

I think it is because I have never made the distinction before between noticing and comparing. I guess I didn't realize I could just notice a difference without deciding which was better. And so I've tried to not notice... which is obviously impossible in some cases. 

"Oh, I didn't notice you had bright pink hair" or "I didn't notice that your house is 20,000 square feet and has life size lions on the entrance gate" or "I didn't notice your accent." 

Of course we notice! But, there is nothing wrong with noticing. Differences are fun; it's what makes life exciting! But the danger comes when a comparison is attached to it. 

Depending on my mood, these comparisons can easily swing either way. For example,
"She had all of her kids without an epidural, therefore she is so much tougher than I am and probably has a stronger bond with her babies!"
or

"She had all of her kids without an epidural, therefore she's crazy. She doesn't appreciate modern medicine and was probably way too tired after labor to even bond with her babies." 

Both of those conclusions are ridiculous and have nothing to do with reality, but when I see things as a comparison, I come out the winner or the loser. I either build my self esteem in an unhealthy way or I destroy my self esteem in an unhealthy way. 

I need to learn from Jane and learn from the way I see my kids. 

• She only feeds her kids organic food. PERIOD. 
• They send their kids to private school. PERIOD. 
• They homeschool their kids. PERIOD. 
• She doesn't use facebook. PERIOD. 
• She's tall and thin. PERIOD. 
• They have twelve children. PERIOD. 
• She sells cute crafts on the side, is a great cook and volunteers in the community. PERIOD. 

None of these things have anything to do with me, the way I look or the way I do things. I'm trying to do what is right for me and my family and I can just assume everyone else is doing the same without having to prove that my way is right or feel bad that it's not. 

I can notice and appreciate differences without having any "therefore..." statement attached to it. Don't you think that's the way God sees us? He loves us and our differences. PERIOD. 

Just Be a Mom

A few days ago I had just finished switching a load of laundry and I was listening to a voice mail from my dad and kind of ignoring Jane. She pulled on my leg and said, "Don't talk on the phone. Just be a mom!"

The phrase, "Just be a mom" has been ringing through my mind since then. In one simple phrase she captured my most important role in time or eternity. And yet, how often I allow other things distract me from truly being a mom.

Last weekend this powerful reminder came from a prophet of God as he spoke of the importance of marriage and family, "many things are good, many are important, but only a few are essential."

Being present with my children, teaching them the gospel of Jesus Christ, and loving and serving my husband are essential. Clean laundry is important, ironed laundry is good, but only a few things are essential.

It's okay, and even necessary, to have other interests, hobbies and activities outside of motherhood. But, those things should never detract from what is essential.

Last night Jane put me to the test.

I was making dinner in the kitchen and she was playing with a stuffed animal on the couch in the living room when this conversation began.

Jane: "So Mom, what are you up to?"
Me: "I'm making dinner."
Jane: "Oh. Then what will your second job be?"
Me: "I'll probably wash the dishes."
Jane: "Oh, okay. Then can your next job be to laugh with me on the couch?"

How could I pass up such an offer?!

The dishes are still in the sink, but they don't mind being neglected. I'll get to them and nothing was lost.

But had I chosen the dishes instead, as I too often do, Jane would mind being neglected and the moment would gone forever.

Only a few things are essential.

Pray Always

I have often wondered at the Lord's command to "Pray Always." I don't think He literally wants us to spend every second of every day in prayer. That would be impossible, really. So what does He mean?

I taught a lesson on prayer in church a few weeks ago and in the midst of preparing, I talked to a few old friends who wanted to know about my kids. In describing Steven I caught myself saying, "He is always eating."

Well, he's not actually eating every second of every day. But it is still correct grammatically to say he is always eating. It is something that characterizes him. It is something he enjoys, that he does every chance he gets. He is excited and anxious to eat. He never passes up an opportunity to eat. And he will eat anything at any time.

He eats all-ways. Any time. Any place. Any food. With anyone.

Here's a little sample of his excitement. Every single bite looks like this:



There are many insightful ways to interpret this commandment, but I think this is a powerful idea of what the Lord may have meant when He asked us to "Pray Always." How would my life be different if I were always praying?

I hope prayer will be something that comes to characterize me. And I hope I can have the same kind of excitement to commune with my Father in Heaven that Steven has to eat, for truly kneeling at His feet is a spiritual feast.

Flirting with Sin

Jane is a master negotiator and justifier, with phrases like, "Can I please have just one?" "Do you want one and I can have one too?" "I'm not eating it, Mom. I'm just holding it." "I'm not touching them; I'm just looking at them." "I'm not climbing on the counter, just one knee is one it." "I'll just be really careful."

A few weeks ago she really outdid herself. I told her she'd had enough raisins and she needed to put them away. This is the conversation that ensued:

Jane: "Can I have just one more?"
Me: "No, Jane. You've had enough."
Jane: "Can I just have one bite?"
Me: "No, Jane. You've had enough."
Jane: "Can I just chew on it?"

As funny as this is, it's a dangerous mortal mentality. As humans, we're really good at getting as close to the edge as possible (or even completely over the edge except for one little toe) and convincing ourselves that we're still in safe territory. We're not actually eating the raisins, we're just chewing on them!

I love this quote from George Albert Smith, a latter-day Apostle of Jesus Christ:

"There is a division line well defined that separates the Lord’s territory from Lucifer’s. If we live on the Lord’s side of the line Lucifer cannot come there to influence us, but if we cross the line into his territory we are in his power. By keeping the commandments of the Lord we are safe on His side of the line, but if we disobey His teachings we voluntarily cross into the zone of temptation and invite the destruction that is ever present there. Knowing this, how anxious we should always be to live on the Lord’s side of the line." 

How anxious we should always be to live on the Lord's side of the line! Complete obedience is a powerful thing. 

On that note, here is a wonderful video from Jeffrey R. Holland who can say things much better than I can. 

Just Because You Don't Understand Doesn't Mean I Don't Understand

In Isaiah, the Lord tells us, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts...for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are...my thoughts than your thoughts."

This concept is easy to understand when we are the ones thinking at a higher level, but it is almost impossible for us to fathom when we are the ones whose thoughts are lower.

Perhaps these two examples can help us get a better idea of God's level of thinking, and thus trust Him more fully, as we consider ourselves as His children and as His students.

As a Child

Jane put on her tutu and spun for at least 20 minutes yesterday. She kept saying, "Mom, I'm pretending to be a ballerina. I'm spinning around, spinning around, spinning around..." Then she fell and said, "Whoa. Now that house is spinning around!" 

I tried to explain to her why it looks like the house is spinning, but she insisted, "No, Mom. The house is spinning!" Obviously the house was not actually spinning, but in her perspective, it was. 

She is also living in the "Why?" phase of life, or more often, "But why?" 

I can explain in simple terms why she can't eat chocolate for dinner, why she can't hit Steven, and why she can't use a sharp knife. It is harder for me to articulate why everyone used to be a baby or why I let the nurse hurt her when she gets a shot. 

I stumble as I try explain these things on a toddler level. The answer is obvious to me, but it is just beyond her comprehension and the thought that always comes to mind is, "Just because you don't understand doesn't mean I don't understand!" 

As a Student

I used to teach high school math. Whenever I explained a difficult concept, a student would exclaim, "Mrs. Teixeira, this doesn't make sense!" 

I would remind them, "Actually, it does make sense. It just doesn't make sense to you. Yet." 

Those two clarifications are important. All truth cannot be judged on our capacity to understand it. But eventually, in this life or in the eternities, we will understand. 

Perhaps we can keep this in mind when there are trials in our lives that seem unfair, gospel principles we don't understand, situations that seem impossible to remedy and unanswered questions trying our faith. 

Often we ask God, "Why is this happening to me?" or tell Him, "This is too hard. I can't do this." or lose our faith and don't talk to Him at all. Perhaps instead we can remember that His thoughts are higher than ours and we can say, "This doesn't make sense to me. Yet. But just because I don't understand doesn't mean you don't understand and I'm just going to have to trust you on this one."

And then do it. Truly trust Him. He really does understand. 

My Burden is Light

Matthew 11:28-30 has always been a favorite scripture, but I've always wondered about the last word: my [Christ's] burden is light. I believe Christ can make our burdens light, but His burden seems awfully heavy. 

As Jane and I were vacuuming together a few weeks ago, we finished the rooms downstairs and needed to bring the vacuum upstairs. Jane volunteered to carry the vacuum, but as soon as she tried to pick it up she declared, "It's too heavy." Then she looked at me and said, "Let's do it together!" As I carried the majority of the weight and Jane held the side of the vacuum she said, "There we go. Now it's not heavy." Instantly I heard in my mind, "My burden is light." 

Of course the weight of the vacuum didn't change, but Jane was right--it wasn't heavy anymore. It wasn't heavy for me and so when we did it together it wasn't heavy for either of us. 

There is not a standard of heaviness or a predetermined weight that is "heavy", it is simply a matter of comparison: the weight compared to our capacity, strength or love. If the weight is greater than our capacity, it is heavy. If our capacity is greater than the weight, it is light. 

Jesus has infinite capacity, infinite strength and infinite love. Because of this, my heavy burdens are not heavy to Him. And when we carry them together, I too can say, "There we go. Now it's not heavy."  

God's Side of the Story

Jane loves calling people on the phone. Last week this ritual opened a painful glimpse into my own childish soul. 

Several times a day she will take my phone and say, "I want to call anyone." Occasionally we will narrow that down to a specific person, I will find their number, and she will call and turn on speaker phone. And last week she chose Aunt Shanna. 

At one point in the conversation I said, "Jane, do you want to tell Aunt Shanna what you did today?" and Jane said, "I didn't go on a bike ride and I didn't eat graham crackers. Mom said no." Ouch. I was thinking something more along the lines of how you went to preschool and we read books and colored...

Jane loves to ride her tricycle and she was really sad that we didn't take it out that day, but that was only because there were trucks and trailers blocking our whole street from the company who mows the lawns. And we forgot to buy graham crackers at the store, so we didn't have any. But that part of the story was left out, along with everything we DID do that day. Including opening her drawers and finding clean clothes (somewhat) folded inside, and opening the pantry and finding it full of food. 

It is so easy to be blinded by what we don't have or what we can't do. In one sentence Jane taught a sermon on human nature, on my nature. 

I imagine God overhearing my conversations. Am I leaving out His side of the story? 

When I tell others what I did that day, week, year, or lifetime am I focused on the things I didn't do or the things I did? When I pray do I let God know all the things I don't have or thank him for all the things I do? 

It's so easy to see life from such a childish view. How often do we hear, think and say things like "I can't get pregnant. God said no." "I didn't get the job I deserved. God said no." "I never married. God said no." "My grandpa wasn't healed. God said no."

What about God's side of the story? 

What about the reason He said no. (He has one. Even if we don't understand. Even if we never know what it is in this life. And it is, absolutely, for our best good.) What about all the times He says yes? What about all the things we CAN do, all the things we DO have? 

I was having a particularly difficult day a few weeks ago. God overheard conversations that sounded like this: My kids are out of control and pushing me beyond my limits. Miguel's schedule is grueling and taking a toll on us all. I can't keep up with the dishes and laundry and just picking up the house. At one point the conversation was directed and Him and I think I even told Him, "I can't do this anymore!" 

And do you know what He said? I was ready for Him to agree that my life is so hard and everyone should feel bad for me because of all the things I don't have and all the things I can't do. And maybe He would even take away all the hard things! But instead He reminded me, "You have kids. You have a husband, and his schedule is demanding because he is in a prestigious training program that will open doors for the rest of your lives. And you have a house with a whole room just for toys, and heating and air conditioning and indoor plumbing and a car in the garage." He reminded me of His side of the story. And what a glorious story it is! 

I hope I will always remember, in my thoughts and my conversations, that God is listening and His story is grander and more complete than the tiny piece of it I see. I pray for my vision to be expanded so I can see things from His view and remember the good things. And I hope, as Paul exhorts, that I will be an example of the believers in word and in conversation (1 Timothy 4:12).